Gossip

Okay guys, I am so so so sorry I haven't been on for like, over a month but I've just been so busy. School started back and I've had homework in like, every subject until recently, and when I'm not doing homework I'm being dragged out to social events.
This is the first weekend since my last post that I don't have a party to go to.
And my mother just had eye surgery to remove cataracts, which means that I have to do most things for her until it's all healed and stuff.
So, in short, my life had been hectic.

Remember that guy I was telling you about? The one who cheated on me?
Well, I decided to give him another chance, and he just decided to be an asshole again. It was going pretty good for like, two weeks and then he got really shitfaced and told me that basically he cheated on my with like, a lot of other girls, and he doesn't know why I bother and blah blah blah.
And then he tried to feel me up.
I hate him.
I don't hate him really, but I was mad at him for doing that.
And then like, a week before Valentine's day this guy asked me to be his Valentine, and I thought okay, how sweet of him, I've never actually had a Valentine before so I was flattered. We were supposed to go to dinner last night.
Aaaaand he ditched me. Well, not "ditched" exactly, as one has to show up in order to ditch someone. He didn't even do that.
It's like, why even bother asking someone to be your valentine if you're not even going to fucking show up?
It's just, so stupid.

And I have this whole big drama going on with my friends. You see, my best friend used to go out with this guy, but they broke up and now my other best friend is currently dating said guy, but said guy was sending my best friend messages saying he loves her and shit WHILE dating my other best friend.
And my other best friend's twin sister is in one hell of a war with this English girl who is my other best friend's best friend.
I know, it's really confusing without using names. I hope you understood that.
Oh, and my cousin is now dating this bitch, and it is currently tearing up his friendship between him and the English girl's older brother.
And then there's this other kid who had a huge crush on this bigger bitch, and the bigger bitch led him on until he asked her out and then she blatantly said no.
How mean can someone be?
But another two of my friends are dating, so that's good. But the sad thing is my childhood friend had a crush on the girl way before the guy she's currently dating, so my childhood friend got pretty crushed when he found out that the girl got together with someone else.
and yet another two broke up, which I thought was sad cause they looked really really good together.
And why do I know all this you may ask?
I have no fucking clue. I just do.

Jealousy of a Friend

I have this best friend. I've known her since we were toddlers, I must've been around two when we met. We've been best friends ever since. Well, it's been over a decade, and I still love her with all my heart. She doesn't live where I live anymore, she's actually half way round the world, but she comes down every summer and every Christmas, and I still consider her my best friend. We know each other inside out, and she's amazing. She's absolutely gorgeous, when she comes down all my guy friends drool over her. She's the nicest person you'll ever meet, and she's hilarious, we never stop laughing when we're together. In short; she's perfect.
Which, in turn, makes me feel weak in comparison. I love spending time with her, but over and over again, my crushes tell me how much they want a chance with her, my boyfriend is always telling me how beautiful and amazing she is. People call me to talk to her, and then hang up if she's not there. People will message me on facebook to talk to her, but if she's not there, then they just stop talking to me. I feel so worthless when I'm with her. It's like, she's a ray of sunshine, and I'm a lazy cloud, puffy and stupid, floating around the sky next to the biggest, most beautiful thing that you could imagine.
Just once, I'd like to be like her. Not her, exactly, but to have the effect that she has. I'd love to one day have guys telling her  that they want to talk to me. 
Or, that guys want to ask me out, and people want to be with me.
I have a little green monster on my shoulder. And I try so hard not to show it, and I don't think I do. And I feel so happy hanging out with her, but then there are those moments when one of the things above happen, and it just reminds me that I'm nothing without her, and that people wouldn't want to hang out with me as much without her being attached to me.
And trust me, she doesn't even realize it. She doesn't realize that she's getting all the attention, because she doesn't really want it. And she just kind of ignores it. And she sees nothing wrong with me, like I do. Which makes me feel awful for feeling jealous, because to her we're on the same page.

Have you felt jealous of someone before? Why?

Crappy News

My aunt has Cancer. For the third time, too. You'd think that after a certain point of pain and struggle that life would give you a little break, no? Well, not for my aunt.
I can't believe this is happening to her. I don't know how she can do it, survive this. They're not sure how bad it is, or even where it is, but they know she does have it. She also has this fluid build up in her stomach, and they might have to do surgery on it to drain it. For now, they're just trying to trace where the fluid build-up is happening in the body.
I just can't believe that this is happening to her. But she's strong. She's the strongest person I know. You know the second time she had Cancer, the doctor told her that if she didn't take the chemotherapy  she would die within the month. She didn't do it. That was seven years ago.
And the first time, over eight different doctors said that she had to buy a wig because with the chemotherapy she would definitely lose her hair.
She never lost one strand.
I love her so much, she's so strong, and she doesn't let anything get her down.

If I could, I would trade places with her, and take the cancer just so she could live, and I swear, whether you believe it or not I would. I love her to death. And it will break my heart to see her have to go through this again, not knowing if this will be the time that it finally claims her.
And the saddest part is, in her head, this is probably what she's thinking,
"Shit, okay. I have Cancer again. Fuck. Well, I'll just have to do the whole thing again. Okay, baby steps. Let's do this."
She's the bravest person I know too. She's a fighter that one, a soul stronger than most. I just hope that she makes it through. I'm so scared, and I don't even have Cancer. I just want her to be okay.

Christmas

Christmas is here, bringing good cheer, to young and old, meek and the bold.
Carol of the Bells, best Christmas song ever.
Now, if you're not a Christmas person, then that's fine. I'm not really that Christmas-y either. But I do love the presents. For Christmas, I don't get anything big really, just a little present. But I still love it, opening it up with my cup of eggnog and my Christmas bread. I just love it.
The best thing about Christmas is lunch time.
We always go to my family, my loud, obnoxious family. My cousins are crackheads (not literally, but that's they're nicknames because they're absolutely mad), my aunts are talkative and my grandmother is very easy to annoy. The lunch always ends with a fight, a fight with the adults and people walking out, slamming the over-used door behind them.
It's crazy. It's hectic, but still, I love it. It proves to me that even though everyone ends up hating each other by the end of the day, they still come back each year, for another round of family fun.
So, this is just a really quick blog to say Merry Christmas to everyone! And if you don't celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays!

Cheating

Yesterday, I just found out something that broke me. As it turns out, my boyfriend cheated on me the day before, with a girl I know relatively well.
I won't say her name, but I'll just call her Jane in here. And his name will be John.

So, Jane and John made out on Thursday. Apparently they were both drunk, but I wasn't there so I wouldn't know about it. Now, I know it might not be a big deal for some of you but we're teenagers, and right now kissing is all we do. Or, all that me and my friends do anyway.
This was a big deal to me. I actually really liked this guy, and I thought that he really liked me. When I was with him I felt happy, and when we kissed I felt special, like I was the only one.
Well, I guess I'm not anymore.
And I was the last to know. You see, Jane called me up, and told me the news. She apologized, and I said thanks for telling me, and it was okay. You know that moment when you say it's okay and you act normal but inside you feel like you're dying inside and you just feel this empty void where your heart just shattered into dust. Well that's what happened to me. I just hung up the phone, and broke down. I started crying, and I just wanted to throw something. So then I call my best friend, and he was with some friends. So I told him what happened, and he goes,
"Oh, so you know about the John thing huh?" And then I hear his friends in the background going, "Oh shit, she knows about the John thing," It was like I was some little child while they were all adults and they were talking about something that I 'wasn't aloud to know yet'. It sucked.
I was sort of with him since around April, but it wasn't official until September. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to break up with him? Am I supposed to just accept that it was a mistake and that it won't happen again?
What am I supposed to do?

Writing

 "Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else" ~Gloria Steinem

I absolutely and totally love to write. It is in the very essence of my being, it's as much a part of me as the fingers that type and the eyes that scan over the words. When I write, I get lost in the words, in the story that my mind is creating. I get consumed by the character, I become them, who they are, what they feel, what they've felt, and what they'll do next.

I want to become a writer when I'm older. Well, not that I don't feel like one now, what I mean by that is, a published author. Most girls dream of becoming famous, while I dream of walking into a bookstore and seeing my book on the bestseller shelf. I don't want to be famous, I want my writing to be famous. I want people to read my words, and just relax, get lost in the story, and finish with a resounding thought in their head; that it was a really good book.

I long for the day when the ideas in my head become published, and then I long for the day when I can watch a movie about the ideas that started in my head.

When I start writing something, I have no idea what I'm doing. It's just a little trigger in my head that says, "Chill, I've got this. Now just let me work your fingers." Most of the time I don't even really know what I'm writing, and then when it's done, I just suddenly, know.

I'm working on a novel right now; one in a series of seven. Or six. Not really sure, I might combine book six and seven into one book.

I love poetry too. Well, I'm picky. I like poems that rhyme, I like poems that talk about how I'm feeling inside, and I am a huge fan of slam poetry. I could listen to slam poetry all day long. I find it incredible. I also find the recitation of it good to. I wrote a slam poem once, and I got up in front of a crowd and said it. At first, I was a bit nervous, but I knew I had it. I had memorized it completely, hand gestures, words, when to shout and when to be quiet. And I stood in front of the crowd, and said it. When I was done, the crowd was silent, as if it waiting for me to go on, continue with the story that was captivating them so much. When they realized I was done, they just clapped. You know that slow clap that people do when they think what they just saw was really amazing? That's what some people were doing; and it felt absolutely amazing. I felt incredible inside.

It's a rush, that's all writing is really. It's a rush of excitement, of thrill, of getting a story worth telling out there. It's like taking your heart out of your chest, all those feelings that have welled up inside and have made you swollen with emotion; writing is a way to just let it out, and no one will even really know what you mean, that's the beauty of it.

Life of Pi

Oh, wow. Life of Pi.
That was an insanely good movie.
The way they made that movie, how they fit everything together, was just incredible. I've never seen filmography done that well before. Props.
(SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!! DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE MOVIE)

I loved how they made the entire boat white, and the water so calm, it just created this image of unworldliness. (I know it's not a word but I'm using it).

And the tiger was beautiful. I know sometimes you could tell it was CGI BUT COME ON! Like they would use a real tiger to shoot the movie. We would end up with many dead actors for Piscine Molitor Patel (I have no idea if I spelt that right).

When the tiger jumped out from under the tarpaulin, I jumped out of my skin. And I was so sad when the orangutan died!! And the island....gave me chills.

But really, when you think about it, this story had a much more meaningful message than just how to survive when you've got a tiger on board. It spoke paragraphs about the human mind. About survival of the fittest. About how it feels when you've got nothing left but the courage to go on. Pi never once really thought of just letting the tiger kill him; the fact that the tiger could kill him was what made him go on. Imagine that? You're out in the middle of the pacific ocean with no one else but a tiger. The only reason you have to live is; what? Your family's dead, no one in, well, anywhere realizes you're alive, and still; you want to live. Why?
Because all humans have that in them. The thing that makes them want to live. That one little reason, living, that shows in every single thing on this planet, not just humans. Birds, snakes, fish, animals of all kind, and even plants. We all want to live.

Now the question is; which story do you believe? I myself prefer the tiger story, because I'd like to believe in magic islands, even ones that will eat you alive if you stay too long, but that's just me. Which one do you believe?